Friday, May 17, 2013

Friday Fiction: some sexy fruit and vegetable poems

Let's do something slightly different for this Friday Fiction.

Here's a triptych of three unrelated poems, about Oranges, rabbit sex and the love of two potatoes.

The Orange
Of all the fruits I like the best
Nothing beats the citrus zest
Of an orange, dimpled skin,
With sunny pulp gorged within.
Moist flesh clad in white pith robe,
Wondrous summer-bringing globe!

As I pull the peel loose
A little spritz of orange juice
Stains the air, the oil lingers
Bitter, sticky on my fingers.
The cobweb pith is pulled in strips
And heaped in piles with peel and pips

And so to the jellied flesh inside
A glistening jewel to divide.
The thigh-plump segments, gently parted
Expose the core of this zesty hearted

Yeah, it ends a bit abruptly. 
And now for some utter nonsense (as if you expect anything else), about the Japanese folk tradition that  rabbits live on the moon, producing mochi with mallets and mortars.

Moon bunnies The lunar population
Had exceeded all bounds
Due to bunny copulation
And the absence of hounds.

Through the lands they inhabit
O’er the moon, milky pale
There was nothing for a rabbit
To do, but chase tail.

In the sea of tranquility
There lived quite a throng
Thanks to their canny ability
To mate all day long.

Then a rabbit declared
Something had to be done
And if nobody cared
Then they’d be overrun.

They needed distraction
From affairs of the hutch
For it was down to inaction
That they mated so much.

They began excavation
And opened a mine
It was a pointless occupation
But it helped pass the time

But then they uncovered
Soft nuggets of rice.
So sticky, they discovered,
Though they tasted quite nice.

They started a factory
Took to trading with man
They built quite an industry
(they’re big in Japan).

Now they dispatch through the universe
From their new-built space wharf
They’re quite taken with commerce
The lunar lagomorph.

And finally, we have this (anyone who has known me for a while probably knows this poem already, I used to perform it at university quite a bit):

Courtship Song of Two Potatoes Which is Brought to an Abrupt End,
                                                                       (Or: How To Cook Mash)

He sings:      My darling potato
                   Oh, how I love you so,
                   Your shape is roundish and simple
                   But drives me wild at each mud-filled dimple
                   Your body
                   Is irresistible to me
                   And your clammy complexion
                   Makes me wild for your affection
                   I watch as they peel your skin
                   And uncover the potato within
                   Your virginal browns are stripped
                   So you’re clean and ready to be chipped
                   Leaving your naked, starchy body
                   Hard and white.
                   I am so excited.
                   And I am right behind you
                   In the potato queue.
                   This is the ultimate and I can’t wait
                   A love only death can sate
She sings:    Your tap root is so thick and strong
                   You smell of the earth where we belong
                   Smell of the familiar musty loam
                   That in our innocence we called home
                   And from that tap root I grew and grew
                   Every day loving you.
                   I owe you so much, I can not wait
                   To give to you my carbohydrates.
                   I watch as you too are made ready
                   I can feel your thick, sweet starch spilling over me.
                   Both in the water our juices can mingle
                   I feel myself begin to tingle
                   In joyous anticipation
                   At this, our fearful consummation.
                   My thoughts are scattered, my body’s reeling
                   This potato love’s so strange a feeling!
                   I only hope we don’t get burned.
He sings:      We go to a place from which none have returned.
                   But at least we’ll go together
                   Soon it will be over and we’ll be one forever.
                   But my sweet! It has almost ended,
                   The water has gone and we’re ready to be blended.
                   A burning, a mixing, a release of the soul
                   So that we are mashed into a glorious, buttery whole.
She sings:     I can see it coming, there’s not long now!
He sings:      My darling!
She sings:                       Yes?
He sings:                                I love…
Together                                            OW!


  1. LOL. I hadn't thought oranges could be so sexy :)

  2. Talking about blast from the past, the rabbit one was written for your cam writers competition, if you remember. IIRC I won, but I was the only entry!
    The orange one wasn't *meant* to be sexy, the thigh line just seemed the best description at the time.